Living Forever

Mankind’s quest for immortality has been a recurring theme throughout history.[1] Countless adventurers from Alexander the Great to Ponce de León have searched for the fountain of youth, and for all except Sean Connery, the search has proven a very mortal undertaking.[2]

Many have tried, and many more have failed.

Even our popular culture is peppered with references to eternal life. The fascination with vampires is a prime example – the Twilight Saga doesn’t seem interested in dying. Dr. Frankenstein’s reanimation of his monster suggests that there are serious consequences to existing beyond an expiration date, and modern shows like the Walking Dead (Sundays 9/8c on AMC) paint a pretty grim picture of what the world will look like when the dead start walking.

Considered by many the greatest archeological documentary on mankind’s quest for immortality, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade has the following to say about the perils of seeking eternal life:[3]

“You must choose, but choose wisely. For as the true grail will bring you life, the false grail will take it from you. He chose… poorly.”

The search for immortality is dangerous, and more-often-than-not leads directly – and efficiently – to death. And yet, people still chase after it – unable to resist its call. In all this time, throughout the entire history of our species, have there been any real advances? Any true progress made in this quest for a never-ending story?

Yes! Finally, the answer is yes!

Lorraine Goodman of Tucson, Arizona, claims to have found the cure for a diagnosis of death. Having just turned 145 years old,[4] Lorraine has no intention of dying anytime soon, and firmly believes she will live until at least 250 years of age. She recommends the following weekly routine to help you stay young forever:

Monday:  Bathe in the blood of a goat. Actually, any young, bleating animal will do. Then go directly to brunch at Erma’s. Don’t bother drying off. It’s good for the skin. Doesn’t matter what you do the rest of the day, people will leave you alone.

Tuesday:  Right after you wake up, take a shot of whiskey. Make sure it’s at least as old as you are. Then go to a busy intersection and get into a heated argument with a young person about young people. Reminesce with a lamppost about better times. People will again leave you alone (this is one of the keys to living forever).

Wednesday:  Sleep until four in the afternoon. Knock something very loud and heavy onto the floor and stay perfectly still. Don’t answer the phone or the door. This will guarantee that you’re roused from sleep by a very handsome paramedic or fireman. Let him listen to your heart. By this time the day’s pretty much over anyway. Or is it?

Thursday:  Thursday is ice-cream day. Eat a pint of Rocky Road for breakfast, a pint of Cherry Garcia for lunch, and two pints of Mint Chocolate Chip for dinner. Eat nothing else all day. Trust me, it’s amazing.

Friday:  You’re going to feel pretty bad on Friday, but it’s all part of the routine. Have a bucket, and some insulin, ready. Watch re-runs of I Love Lucy and Perry Mason all day long. Call your neighbor and ask him to get you some chicken soup. Give him something random in lieu of money. A bag of mothballs usually works. Or a rusty clothespin. When you get to my age, trust me – you’ll get away with it. If you’re under 65, then you might want to reconsider that last step.

Saturday:  Go missing. Get in your motorized scooter and go on an adventure. Leave a cryptic message for your loved ones and your neighbor. Make friends with as many stray animals as you can. See how many will follow you on your scooter. You’ll be like a god to them.

Sunday:  Give your enemies the gift of fleas. Then go to church. Or don’t. I’m not sure it matters anymore. Feel free to make Sunday your own day, go crazy, personalize it. Just make sure you don’t do any dishes. That’s it, really, for Sunday.

When asked about the controversial strategy of seducing a vampire to attain eternal life, Lorraine had the following advice:

“I don’t recommend it. I was bitten by a so-called ‘vampire’ once. Landed me in the hospital, needed antibiotics and a tetanus shot. It wasn’t very fun. Don’t believe everything you read on the craiglist. Just stick with my routine, it’ll get you where you need to go.”

 

[1] This is in contrast to the invertebrate quest for immortality, currently spearheaded by the cockroach in your basement. He’s there, trust me. Even if you don’t have a basement. He’s there.

[2] Connery is rumored to have found both the Fountain of Youth and the Philosopher’s Stone, and is in the process of recruiting other superheroes to a secret taskforce that meets in his treehouse every third Thursday of the month.

[3] The other great documentary on immortality, Highlander, also has this to say: “Haggis? What is Haggis?” This documentary also features Sean Connery. Coincidence? Maybe.

[4] This is only an estimate. Left for dead shortly after birth and raised by a pack of wolves in the Arizona wilderness, Lorraine has no formal documentation of when exactly she was born. The wolves don’t have any, either.