A friend of mine recently moved into a new apartment and wanted help buying a TV. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said “oh I’m not too picky as long as it works – something small and cute.”

“Are you sure you want a television and not, say… a puppy?” I asked.

I’d hit a nerve. Apparently she did want a puppy, very badly – even more than a new television – and was being pressured into buying the TV by her roommates.

But that’s beside the point. Televisions are not small and cute – they are beautiful, powerful, magnificent devices – and the purchase of a new TV is not something you take lightly. You need to be focused, and fierce.

When buying a new TV, there is really only one rule: imagine the largest TV you could possibly fit inside the biggest room you could possibly imagine… and then go one size bigger. In fact, I told her that she went about the whole thing all wrong: you don’t buy a TV to accommodate your apartment – you buy an apartment to accommodate your TV (see Figure 1).

After size, every other feature on a television is like icing on a cake. Almost every TV these days is flat-screen and HD compatible, and some of the newer models are even boasting 3D displays. There’s no clear answer to the whole LCD vs Plasma vs Rear-Projection debate – my advice is to use a dartboard, or just pick something that sounds intimidating (like plasma) and run with it. Other things – like display format, resolution, video interface, and progressive scanning – all get in the way of the bigger picture (see Figure 1).

But in general, here is a quick checklist for buying a new TV. Your ideal television should:

1)   Require a forklift, or a helicopter, to transport

2)   Generate enough heat to keep a small family warm in winter

3)   Temporarily blind you when turned on

4)   Require you to take out a second mortgage – or sell an organ

5)   Take up more than 5/3 of the space in your living room

6)   Represent everything you’ve ever wanted or loved in life and more