Acting Crazy

Life is hard. Raising a family, finding a job – keeping a job – meeting expectations – these are all very challenging endeavors. And with headlines reporting new disasters on a daily basis, explaining life through logic or faith has become exceedingly more difficult. Sometimes the pressures of modern living are too much to bear, and people break under the weight.

But the funny thing is that society generally forgives this breaking – as long as you the broken are willing to accept judgment. As long as you are willing to be labeled “insane.” So whether you’re the prince of Denmark or a degenerate trying to beat first-degree murder, knowing how to act crazy is a valuable and potentially life-changing skill set.

Classic insanity is very easy to imitate. It involves a lot of flailing and gratuitous facial movement and a complete disregard for social boundaries (see Figure 1). We won’t spend too much time on this form of insanity because many professional imitators consider this an amateurish interpretation. Modern imitators tend to lean more toward the “Tom Cruise meets Hannibal Lecter on a hot summer day” crazy, and less toward the traditional “Mad Hatter.”

Gustav Paulson, known to many in the Chicago area as “Crazy Gus,” is one of the most highly studied of the freelance imitators.  In his 3 short years of documented “insanity,” Gustav has been admitted to the Stroger Hospital ER no fewer than 63 times for psychiatric evaluation. The following is an excerpt from his upcoming, tell-all autobiography They Told Me to Tell You I Told You So:

“Even though my psychiatrist calls me a full-fledged schizophrenic, I consider myself more of an artist. I’ve been fooling those doctors at Cook County for almost three years. I’m not crazy – but I am hungry, and hopelessly homeless. And the best way to get a free sandwich and a warm bed is to say you hear voices.”

Gustav is, clearly, a professional – and his degree of authenticity comes only after years of study and practice. If you aim to achieve Gustav’s level of craftsmanship and notoriety, then the best way to break onto the scene is to talk to yourself in public. Pick a random street corner – or stand outside of your favorite Borders or Starbucks  – and carry on multiple conversations with yourself. Speak quickly, stopping only to breathe or consider an imaginary object floating in the air. Make sure there is no unifying theme to your dialogue, and make sure to ignore everyone else.

Now granted, the above technique takes a lot of practice and disinhibition to master, and not everyone will feel comfortable pacing a street corner on day one. That’s why the best way to practice – and to ease yourself into the swing of things – is to buy a Bluetooth earpiece. In three easy steps you, too, could master the art of insanity.

Step 1:  Place the Bluetooth device securely in your ear and turn it on. Have friends and family members call you at first – work on the pacing and the arm movements, and the staring at distant objects.

Step 2: Gradually decrease the volume day-by-day until the device has been turned off and you are carrying on the conversations alone (it often helps if you memorize a few “scripted” interchanges in the beginning, but your ultimate goal should be fluid spontaneity).

Step 3: Finally – when you have built up your self-confidence – take out the Bluetooth device. Congratulations! You are now insane. (see Figure 2).